Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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