When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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