You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Randomize
