I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Randomize
