Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
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