this beer tastes like vomit already
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
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