i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
