Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
