I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
