i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Then you guys just all showered together...?
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
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