Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
