After last night, I could never be a politician.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Randomize
