i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
