I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize