I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize
