You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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