I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
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You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
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She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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