Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
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