it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
She needs sedatives and a leash
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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