allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
