Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
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