he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Randomize
