saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
So there's 10 guys in this picture..I've made out with 5 of them. does this make me a slut?
eh 50% isn't bad..i'd say 80% is slut material.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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