look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
