she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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