Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
A bitchslap is in order.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
