i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Randomize
