I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
