I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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