Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
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whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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