Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
