And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
