Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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