I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
The feeling are messing with the penis
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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