She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Randomize
