3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
and i looked up. we had an audience...
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
