A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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