Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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