I'm pants shitting drunk right now
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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