i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
