I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
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It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
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Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Never underestimate the power of titties
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