Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
