hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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