She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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