the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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