tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
The power of my boobs compel you
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
You left your phone here
Wait...
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