i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
