I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
