We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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