he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Randomize
