There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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