dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
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