I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
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