did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
