The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
